Dirty Dishes

The other day I was out for a run. When I became tired (about 3 minutes after I left my front door) I recalled what I ate the day before: LOTS. I said to myself, you know the "encouraging" self talk we do, "I must run because I ate like a piggy yesterday. So get on it and pick up the pace, woman!" That is just what I did...ran a bit faster.

As I continued to gasp for air, my mind wandered to a thoughtful space. I had just guilted myself into running! I was no longer running because it was a gorgeous crisp day or because I enjoy the feel of pavement under my feet with each step. God was once again speaking to me through something I enjoy doing and He was saying "run for the pleasure, not for guilt."

Examining more areas of my life where I take this stance, doing out of guilt instead of love, I was astounded and saddened that this ideal permeates large areas of my life. I see my in-laws because I feel guilty if I don't, INSTEAD of visiting them out of love for my husband (and them). Even doing the dishes, it's a daily task that I despise (maybe if I had a dishwasher I'd have a better attitude?), I am good at guilting myself into getting them done NOW or I'll be a horrible housekeeper. I could approach it out of love for my family - and the fact that I can not cook for them when dirty dishes are clogging up the postage sized counter space I have in my dinky kitchen.

Okay, those are only a few examples from my life. But I'll tell you, I've been more attentitive to that sneaky feeling of guilt and examining my heart and motives to see if I can do what needs to be done in love instead of guilty obligation.

The next time I'm working out (like later today), I want to approach it not out of guilt because, again last night I ate like a piggy, but out of sheer love to keep fit this body God crafted for my soul to reside in 38 years ago.

Not To Be Seen

I went to the kitchen to get a bowl of tortellini chicken soup then plopped down on the sofa next to my husband as I devoured my meal. He was watching some show on TV, looked kinda dumb but because I was eating I stared at the TV too. Then suddenly, the main actress said something that really spoke to where I am in life right now...

"We all live in hiding. In one way or another, each of us conceals pieces of ourselves from the world. Some people hide because their lives depend on it. Others because they don't like being seen. And the special cases, the ones who hide because they just want someone to care enough to have someone look for them." from the USA TV show In Plain Sight

Awesome quote, huh? Deep for a cable channel.

Why does this speak to me, you ask? The idea that some people hide because they don't like being seen. That is totally me. It's freaky too. Thursday, May 29th I journaled about this exact thing...it's a theme I see in my life. I avoid being seen. I sneak into work stealth like, close my office door and turn on just one light. I ask my husband or one of my boys to water the plants on the front porch so I am not seen by passing cars (we live RIGHT on Main Street - cars just feet from my porch). If I'm meeting someone at a restaurant, I am sure to get there at least 30 minutes before scheduled time then I wait in the car until they show up so we can walk in together. I'm always behind the camera catching everyone's image but my own. There have been a few occasions when my husband has looked at me so intensely, it's as if he's peering deep into my soul. Hate that. If you can't tell, I really don't like being looked at.

Why is this? I journaled about it too. But I haven't had a Divine revelation or any downloads from Heaven...yet. This is something I'm aware of, am sitting with and lifting before God. What am I afraid of? Do I worry too much about what others think? I never thought of myself that way. Could this be what I call,"sneaky pride"?

Or maybe this is more complex and there are no simple answers... as I continued to process this on May 29th, I wrote these words in my journal, "If I am not seen, I can not be known." Maybe there lies the beginning of the answer.

to be continued...

Go Speed Racer, GO!

Meet my Grams. Isn't she beautiful? A women of great strength, character, love and gentleness. And she has the driving abilities of an Indy 500 race car driver. Yeah, she's a "lead foot."

When my little sister and I were younger - I was maybe eight and my sister, Kristin, was about five, we would stay over at Grams house all the time. We loved it there ~ the smell of Grampa's pipe tobacco and the sound of his jolly ol' laughter. One afternoon, Kristin and I rode along with Grams as she ran errands around town. She and Grampa had this crazy long Cadillac, they aptly called "the Caddy." The seats were slippery vinyl or leather, can't recall exactly, I just knew that in the baking California sun they were hotter than hot and burnt the backs of my little girl legs.

There was this tiny liquor shop at the base of "Miracle Mile" ~ which was a mile long hill, straight up out of the Sacramento river valley. After Grams purchased what she needed we rolled out of the parking lot and waited to pull out onto the road. Traffic was (and still is) very heavy along this stretch of the highway. I was sitting in the front passengers seat, which was a long bench seat. My sister was in the backseat behind me. My Grams revved up the big V8 (or larger?) Cadillac engine, anxiously awaiting an opportunity to bolt out into traffic. With her hands in the correct 11 and 2 o'clock positions on the skinny over sized steering wheel, she said, "Okay, girls, hold on!" then she gunned it! That Caddy took off like it was fueled by rockets! The force blasted me against the smooth pleather seat! My sister, not wearing a seat belt because who did way back then, had forcefully slid all the way across the back seat and landed behind my Grams. I turned around and looked at Kristin and we both busted out laughing! "Grams! You are a speed racer!" She replied, "well honey, sometimes you have to use all the ponies under the hood."

In 2005, my two boys and I traveled to California to visit my Grams - at that time, she was ninety two years old. I grew up feeding the deer at Shasta Dam. My boys, then Ty was 13 and Evan was 10, had never been to Shasta Lake and I couldn't wait to share a treasured childhood memory with them. Grams said that they started giving tours of the dam and that the boys may find it of interest. Of course, my Grams offered to drive us up there ~ Ty and Evan were thrilled as they heard how she has quite the lead foot. But I reassured them that she's mellowed out now that she's in her 90's.

Well, I was wrong. This time seat belts mandatory, and that's a good thing, we headed towards the lake. Not only is she fast from the get go - she motors right along even on the twisty tight two lane road that leads up to the dam. The boys were in the back seat giggling and mumbling that she still is a speed racer. From the front seat, joined them in their quiet giggle with intense eye contact.

After the tour, Evan was so thrilled with the experience, "That was one awesome dam tour!" Tyler filled in, "and that dam tour guide really knew what he was talking about." Evan continued, "I really liked riding in that dam elevator." "Yeah, but walking in the rain across that dam road was a bummer," Tyler pipped in. Evan finished, "I'm dam hungry, can we go to A & W for lunch?"

The photo above was taken on our trip in 2005, me and my Grams. I called her on Mother's day earlier this month ~ she's doing great! She proceeded to tell me that she was recently in the local newspaper. My cousin's son celebrated his birthday at an indoor race track called "Need4Speed." And guess, what... Grams was in the mini Indy race car - showing everyone how to drive like a pro.

Grams is my hero...

Self Image?

Here are a couple more cute photo's of Tyler...

One last family photo...

(these pictures are too funny!)

See post below for the real Self Image article...

Self Image

My 16 year old son, Ty, loves to play with the iMac and its built in camera. It has all kinds of silly filters and effects to mess around with. (Honestly, this is not an accurate image of him!) But it makes me crack up every time I see it!

This made me think of the way we view ourselves. Due to junked up filters, I can see me one way and another person can see me 100% different. Who would be right? Life gives us these filters and causes an inaccurate view of who we were created to be. Some popular filters are: hurt done to us or caused by us, sinful nature, poor self esteem, lack of self awareness, just to name a few...

You know what? Even if Ty really looked like this carnival mirror image, God would love him just the same because He made him. And what God makes - is beautiful beyond measure. Hard to imagine that, huh? The world would call (this image of) Ty a freak, an outcast, a detriment to society and never once stop to get to know the heart that lies underneath the "world defined" ugly.

Do I see myself like this - inaccurately and ugly? Do you see yourself that way? Do bad filters keep us from seeing ourselves and others in the beautiful way God intended? Sure, we're human. But we long for a Divine filter to view the world and all it's people the way God sees them. Beautiful beyond measure. Ahh...heaven will be like that. One day...
grace & peace ~ deAnn

Young Sea

The day after my mood meltdown, I came across this poem; Young Sea by Carl Sandburg. I connected intimately with the words and the feelings expressed. I'd like to share it with you...

Young Sea

The sea is never still.
It pounds on the shore
Restless as a young heart,
Hunting.

The sea speaks
And only the stormy hearts
Know what it says:
It is the face
of a rough mother speaking.

The sea is young.
One storm cleans all the hoar
And loosens the age of it.
I hear it laughing, reckless.

They love the sea,
Men who ride on it
And know they will die
Under the salt of it.

Let only the young come,
Says the sea.
Let them kiss my face
And hear me.
I am the last word
And I tell
Where the storms and stars come from.

warning: frustration overload

I'm in "one of those moods." Maybe you know it...grumpy is an understatement! It started to come on yesterday afternoon as I was sitting in my car for 9 hours at my son's lacrosse tournament. It was too cold to be outside the car, so sat inside. I was frustrated because I wore shorts and not pants. The weather man said it was going to be 74 degrees! I was mad at him. Dumb weather guy, what does he know? When I got home I knew I shouldn't be around people, let alone those I love like my immediate family, so I took a Tylenol PM and headed to bed at a ridiculously early time - hoping to sleep off my crankiness.

I have to admit, I slept wonderfully for oh...11 hours. "After that long night's sleep, I ought to be the life of the party today!" I said to myself.

Yeah, didn't happen. I sucked the life out of the party, actually. Stealth-like, I slipped into church trying not to make eye contact with anyone...I wasn't in the mood for small talk. "Hey good morning deAnn!" someone poor unsuspecting soul would say. "Oh shut up!" would be my sorry remark and I surely didn't want that to happen.

We got home from church and I just needed to be A-L-O-N-E. Know what I mean? Yeah, so I went up stairs to my bedroom to lay down for a few free moments but my bed was the K-2 of laundry! Aaargh! My frustration grew beyond a healthy level. "No one better even knock on my door right now or I'll ..." was running through my sick mind. The floor looked good - so I laid down in the middle of my bedroom, as looked up at the bottom of the light fixture I asked "God, what is going on with me? I'm driving me nuts." I didn't get an answer from Him. I wanted a magic wand to make me happy so my family would like me again.

I fell asleep there on my bedroom floor until my husband came in (he was a bit concerned as to why I was there)and woke me up which really ticked me off! He told me it was time to visit his family and that we were to leave in a few minutes. "More people?! Are you kidding me? I don't want to see or talk to anyone or anything right now. If you suck oxygen, back off - leave me alone!" was what I was screaming at a deafening pitch in my soul. But I got up off the floor, put on my shoes and stumbled out the car.

One summer day several years ago my friend and I went to Ocean City, MD. Sadly I was in one of these moods. I was incredibly frustrated with the ocean and all the dumb noise it makes - it NEVER STOPS! Waves crashing in on the beach, one after another "come on already!" I remember thinking I was insane for thinking that...wondering what was going on with me! And here I am today, in the same mood and asking myself that same question again.

Humans are complex beings. Not just physical beings, but emotional and spiritual beings as well. If one of these are "off" - it throws the rest off. Physically I feel great today but emotionally I'm a raging beast. The spiritual side of me is praying to God that my emotions would mellow out before someone gets hurt.

Thankfully, my spiritual side shouted loud enough and I have now mellowed out a tad. Enough to write about it and even laugh at how ridiculous I was. Boy am I glad that God is patient with me in these times...and I'm glad my husband is too! The poor oxygen sucking man. Back off!