How Much is Enough?

Faith. How much is enough?

I was reading the story in Acts 3 of the crippled man who was a professional beggar at the Temple Gate, the one called Beautiful. Everyday someone carried him from his home (?) to this Temple Gate so that he could ask for handouts from those entering the Temple. This man, crippled from birth, didn't sit outside the local Jerusalem Wal-Mart to beg the shoppers. No, he asked to be taken to the Temple. The Temple.

One day while sitting there, Peter and John came walking through the Beautiful Gate on their way to morning prayers in the Temple. The little crippled beggar saw them coming and held out his hand asking for change. He got change alright. But not the kind he was used to. Instead of receiving a few coins from a passerby, this time the crippled man received a greater gift. Peter and John, through the power of the Holy Spirit, gave him a big change - the ability to walk!

Now, I'd have to imagine that the crippled beggar was a bit surprised by this gift! He was thinking a few coins but they gave him what he really needed and what he wanted deep down in his heart. Something the beggar probably never thought about asking for because it would be impossible to get. "Why ask for things that I know are impossible to have?" could have been the beggars thought, "so I'll simply ask for change from men so that I can live day to day, that's realistic."

Or maybe this beggar had faith deep down but felt stupid asking for such a miracle? We'll never know that. But what we do know is that because of some level of faith - the man received a life change. He would no longer be dependant of others to haul him around so that he could "make a living." Now he could find work, make his own money, support himself...and even contribute to other beggars who sit at the Temple Gates. In an instant, he was no longer a beggar. He was a changed man with a new identity.

Faith led to receiving change. In many ways, I am like this crippled beggar - asking for simple change so that I can get through the daily grind of life. But, deep in my heart is there more that I long for? Something that I think "why ask it because it seems impossible." Could I consider that God desires me to have that impossible thing? But because I don't have enough faith, I won't receive it? "Oh ye of little faith..." rings though my mind right before I hear "nothing is impossible with God."

The Scriptures say that Peter, John and the previously crippled man walked together into the Temple where the man danced back and forth singing praises to God. People noticed that this was the crippled beggar and were astounded with what their eyes were seeing. Then they, too, broke out into dance in honor of God's goodness. It's contagious!!! As this man entered into major change in his life, he was not alone. The gift givers walked with him. How comforting is that!?

I'm at a place in life where a silly dream that's been brewing deep in my soul is emerging though the prompting of the Holy Spirit. A change is coming - and it's not just simple change. It's exciting but fear of the unknown seems to be the stronger emotion. Why can't I freely dance and praise God and trust Him as I walk this journey with Him, just as the crippled man did? Where was his fear? Where was his anxiety of how life would look after receiving the ability to walk?

How much faith is enough? Obviously, I could use a little boost in the faith department. God knows this and has been so gracious to not just walk with me in this time, but take me by the hand, assuring me I'm okay and that He'll not leave my side. I believe He wants to see me dance with joy, praising Him so that others see it and will praise Him as well!

God, I hope I'm not hurting Your heavenly hand with the tight grip I have on it. This time I will not chicken out - but please keep infusing me with faith and courage so that I stay in step with You, move with You, together - on this exciting journey of change. You never cease to amaze me. Your love and grace are evident and I'm overwhelmed by Your goodness. Thank you for leading me into the unknown. May I find comfort because I know my tiny fragile hand is gently held by Yours.

Silly God

Today I was bored so I decided to look at the books that I've collected over the years. (which are now collecting dust on the bookcase.) One caught my eye, "Inspiration Sandwich" is it's title. The cover was once vivid in color but due to it's age, it's now faded and nondescript. I pulled this book off the shelf and it opened naturally to a page where laid a paper. A bookmark that once was a receipt from a catalog purchase - dated October 11, 1995. I vaguely remember the day I bought this book and the feeling I had then came rushing back to me again today as I held this little paperback in my hands.

I had to chuckle at God. "Inspiration Sandwich" is a book to inspire - a book to unleash the creative self. Right now where I am in life, I thought, how ironic is this? God has been trying to tell me something for well over 12 years and I just keep ignoring Him or look the other way. Why? Can't I accept the fact that I have a creative vein in me that was there at birth and continues to grow through my adult life? Why do I cram it down and say it's not there? What am I afraid of?

It seems pompous to say "I'm an artist." The cultural world view of the artist is one of fame, fortune, super talented or insanely crazy with wild hair and bare feet. Well, I don't really want to be associated with any of those descriptions. Therefore, I'm not an artist. (However, I do have wild hair...another gift from God?)

Now, do I really believe this? That I'm not an artist. Not for one micro second. What is an artist? Hum...well we can talk for hours about that! Well, I could anyhow, if you were so bored to listen. The deal is, I'm an artist. You are an artist. How will you respond to that?

Okay, back to God being silly. He's been pointing me in a particular direction for so many years and I'm just now starting to connect the dots to see the beginning of an image being created right before my eyes. He's also been incredibly patient with me! So now the big questions is HOW WILL I RESPOND TO GOD'S DIRECTION? The answer is simply put but challenging to carry out: Move With Him.

Okay, I Did It...

For several months I’ve been collecting acrylic paints, canvases and brushes. I even purchased a table top easel and a painting pallet. These items have been collecting dust in the corner of our dining room. The excuse I use for not painting is I have no room. Sure, I could set everything up on my dining table but where would we eat?

This weekend my husband and boys were away and I had the whole house to myself from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon. It was lovely. Saturday I got up and had “paint” on my Wish I Would Do List. It was towards the bottom. A few months ago I traveled to Israel and while there God implanted an image in my heart, in words it would be “move with God.” I see the image and have desired to paint it for some time. Saturday - I had the opportunity, no cooking meant no need for the dining room table.

A bit reluctantly I set up my easel, got out my paints, pallet and brushes. Then I walked away from it, scared to death of that screaming white canvas. I see the image in my mind as clear as day – but how do I get it out? I stared blankly at the canvas - I didn’t know where to begin. I grew frustrated. So, I sat down and turned on the TV. From my sofa I could see the canvas sitting quietly and patiently there on the easel – watching my every move. I tried to ignore it. Fear of everything hindered me from creating an expression from God.

Finally, I got up, walked over and said “FINE! I’ll paint!” I squirted some pale yellow paint on my pallet then mixed it with white and slathered it over the entire canvas. “Oh, that felt kinda good” I thought to myself, “now what?” I gravitated towards shades of green then painted a swirly line from one corner diagonally to the opposite corner, this dark green line represented God. I filled a narrower brush with a pretty apple green color and created a companion line right next to the God line. This apple green line represented me, how close I want to be with God and to move with Him all the time.

“What’s next?” That’s all God gave me to see. “But there must be more!” The canvas looked empty. So, I painted with blues: big circles and little circles on the upper diagonal half. They represented my dreams and hopes, but I didn’t really like it. What I painted on the lower diagonal half was even worse! I couldn’t stand this painting! Back to the sofa and a funny movie in hopes of finding laughter, which I really needed at that point. “Why did I spend all this money on painting stuff when I can’t stand it?” was the only thought in my mind. “I hate painting! I’m not cut out for this.”

The movie was stupid, which I believe was God’s plan so that I’d return to the canvas. I tried three different ways to cover up the ugliness of my painting but I just wasn’t feeling it. “Move with God” was not being accurately displayed through my art. However, I kept at it, more determined than ever. I painted carefully and decided that it wasn’t so bad, even though it’s not really what I feel it should be. But, someone may like my painting…maybe?

The next morning when I came down the stairs in search for coffee, I was aptly greeted by my painting. “Oh, my, I can’t give up my day job!” Early that afternoon my husband came home and saw my art on the table and said “oh, this is your painting?” Ahh, yeah! I explained to him that I wasn’t happy with it because it was not what I see in my mind. It was such a struggle for me – painting this piece. All my fears came true – it’s crap, no one will like it, people will laugh.

Well, that’s when it hit me…right there sitting on the dining room floor processing this with my husband. “deAnn, this painting is not for just anyone. It’s for you. You are the only audience,” it was like a news ticker tape crossing the bottom on my mind and it was an urgent message from God.

What I realized was it’s not about the finished project. But it’s about what I learned through the creative process. My fear of painting, to explore a realm of creativity that is foreign, inhibited me from expressing what was deep inside my heart. I painted what I thought other people would want to see or would think was nice. That did not settle well in my soul. My painting was too clean, too nice, to edited. It’s not messy and real like the image that still lingers in my heart and cries to be released - this is the painting I need to create! This painting would not include the use of brushes…but my fingers and hands instead. And when I imagine letting go to paint from my heart like that - I sense freedom and pleasure in the most divinely intimate of ways!

So, now back to the canvas to paint from my true self that image God placed in my heart while in Israel: move with God. Now I’m excited to create! The chains of bondage have been released – true art can emerge from my soul and I can’t wait to see what God teaches me through that experience. Discovering and developing creativity from the true self is found through the process, what you learn about God and about yourself. It’s not so much about the final product. I believe that if you let go, travel deep into your soul and find the artist within – the final product will be one of amazing beauty and other people may see that beauty too ~ that picture into your soul.

I'll begin my true painting very soon then I'll post the 2 paintings together and we can see how they differ...continuing the artistic adventure...

Creating Without Fear

Love this book we're reading by Brenda Ueland, "If You Want To Write." She encourages us to work at our writing or whatever creative thing we like to do. Our culture tells us that duty comes first. But I'm exploring Brenda's thoughts as her words penetrate my heart and make a home in my soul. She says:

"Duty should be a by-product. Writing, the creative effort, the use of imagination, should come first, at least for some part of everyday of your life. It is a wonderful blessing if you will use it. You will become a happier, more enlightened, alive, impassioned, light-hearted and generous to everybody else. Even your health will improve. Cold will disappear and all the other ailments of discouragement and boredom."

I'm feeling a bit of creative constipation these days. Know what I mean? You desire to create something, anything, but a force holds you back. This is silly, but I have a pile of canvases of all sizes leaning against a wall in my dinning room. I've begun quite a nice collection of colorful paints and all kinds of brushes. It's all there. Waiting for me. Calling to me. I ignore it. WHY? What's holding me back? Well, maybe the fact that I've never painted outside of elementary school art class. What if my painting is horrible? What if people laugh? What if I laugh? Really, I have to ask myself, what would be so bad about that?

In hear in the back of my mind a tiny quiet voice, "deAnn, create. Just sit before the canvas. Allow Me to move your hands and guide your color choices. It will be beautiful, I promise. Relax. Leave your fear aside and create because you are My creation."Okay, despite the scariness, I'm going to log off, give in to The Voice and see where He takes me...

Keep On Keeping On

This morning I decided to take advantage of its beauty - so I loaded my cross bike onto the roof rack of my car and headed West towards Brillhart Station. Riding is therapy for me. Usually it's a time for reflection, prayer, and being in awe of the many shades of green that cover the landscape this time of year. This morning was no different. As I traded in four wheels for two, I began my journey pedaling through the cool dewy air. I forgot to mention that I subscribed to a podcast from Mars Hill Bible Church of Grand Rapids - so with my earbuds buried deep in my ears, I listened to Rob Bell's sermon from last Sunday as I traveled south on the Heritage Rail Trail. The sermon was really challenging to me. I wanted to fully take in every word and discover their meaning and find application for them in my life. Well, in focusing so intently I realized I was a dangerous woman who was moving rather fast on a gravel path. I noticed, because of my concentration on the sermon, I pretty much had fixed my eyes on the ground about 6 feet ahead of my front tire. This is not good. When riding a bike, kayaking, driving, snowboarding, what have you, your eyes should be constantly glancing ahead to see what is coming BEFORE it's 6 feet in front of you...maybe to notice a young man zig zagging his rusty bike across the path without thinking anyone else may be using the rail trail today. He enters into my 6 foot zone and I freak - grabbed for my rear brake and skidded sideways for what seemed like eternity. It's a mystery that I didn't cream that young man or even fall in the midst trying to avoid him. I think I scared him (and the others sitting on a near by bench taking a rest from pedaling) more than anything.

So I got to thinking about this...there are the people, maybe the super ambitious, that strain their eyes trying to see what's coming way down the pike, rarely, if ever, looking right in front of them. They miss the suicidal squirrels playing frogger on the rail trail, hit the poor thing and get thrown from their journey. Then you have people who, maybe due to fear or lack of confidence, fix their eyes just a few feet ahead. These people are dangerously surprised by the large obstacle that's in the path 14 feet in front. If they'd only looked up they would have seen it and could have gone around it, if possible. Or stop, get off and figure out how to navigate through it. I learned today that a healthy balance between looking right in front of me and looking ahead is the best (and safest) way to journey. I never want to run ahead of God or keep my eyes down, afraid to see what's coming. I want to move with God - at His pace with confidence that He'll lead me and help me figure travel the path ahead. I'm not saying there will never be surprise squirrels that cause me to fall. But if I do fall, when journeying with God and others in community, I will have hands of grace offered to me. They will lift me up, place me back on my bike and give me a nice big push to get moving again.